The whirlwind

In a crowded room, i feel alone

Everyone is starring like they know my story

Like its been told time and time again

A story of not what is but what could have been

The person i am is a lot more than i like to talk about

I keep things short and simple to avoid being vulnerable

By not letting people in i eliminate all doubt

and any chance of getting hurt is erased

I give and give and give and receive nothing in return

but yet i keep investing myself on a worthless, hopeless possibility of a relationship

that was never there to begin with

Outside i smile,laugh,and make it all seem perfect

Inside i scream,cry,and try to keep it together

This happy go lucky image I'm trying to perceive

Is just a portrait of what i want to be

My worries are big and my dreams are small

A  fear of failing haunts me like ghost

While pride holds me captive like a hostage

with no chance of escape

All my hopes have turned into fears

and my fears now scare me more than ever

when will the handcuffs come off?

when can i break free?

I long to love this life i live

instead of just making the most of it

This path I'm headed down

takes me down many detours

and these detours are destined 

to leave me more confused and uncertain

than i was to begin with

When do i find the answers?

When does it all make sense?

When can i be the girl i once was

the girl i really miss? 

Its all about the right person

when i find the right person, everything else will fall into place

When i decide to put myself out there

a whole new world will be opened to me

until then... I'm limited.

Its hard to embrace in the "what ifs"

without knowing the answers

The Rare Gem...

Revealed. Exposed. Displayed... for all to see.

Me.

I haven't given much thought to the person i am, just have always excepted it and made the most of out it.

Beneath the make-up, and "BIG" hair... its just plain and simple me.

I love myself more when the make-up is on and my hair is done. My confidence level could be a tad bit higher. I adore love, being in love, having someone to love me back. Although looking in the rear view mirror i think its more the idea of love that i idolize. Men who leave the toilet seat up are automatically eliminated off my "Date-able" list. People who smack drive me absolutely nuts. Why is it you feel the need to chew your food like a horse? its not attractive and i would prefer to not see your chewed up food as you swallow it, thanks.

My passion is baking. Creating something beautiful that can be desired in more ways than one. Its art in a form that can also win a mans heart. Win Win. ;) My heart has been dragged around more times than i thought i could handle, Just proves how strong i am. My vulnerability to people i once cared for always comes back to bite me in the ass. I have no back bone and I'm scared to tell people how i really feel. This blog is my only portal where i feel comfortable releasing my emotions. The tribulations i have overcome in the past leave me happy knowing i got through them, however my heart aches day to day. The source is unknown. I am fond of pillow talking. The subjects discussed are always random but i feel i learn a lot about the other person. 20 questions is always played, but by question 10 I'm ready for it to be over.

I'm terrified of being alone. Not having his or her towels, always having the other side of the bed left untouched. I'm not desperate, although it may seem that way. Love is a beautiful thing that is cherished by few and desired by many. I'm left in the desired category. I would rather be alone than not have true love.  I hate feeling like i have no where to turn. I'm my own worst enemy. Intimacy wins my heart, not fucking like animals . I enjoy being wanted, being craved. All of the hit it and quit it mumbo jumbo isn't really my style. Believe me there isn't a halo above my head or wings on my back because an angel is far from what i am. I've made mistakes and there are MANY things i could have done differently. but i wouldn't. Why? those mistakes have only made be realize what it is i really do want. I'm looking for something I'm afraid to find. The first time I'm scared to fall, will be when i know it is right where I'm supposed to be. I have lowered my expectations of any person I've grown close to because I'm waiting to be screwed over. Inevitably it happens, but I'm not sad or disappointed. i knew it would only be a matter of time till true colors appeared and the image they were trying to perceive would only be a memory. 

Sad but True

  Me = Morose.

Cruel Intentions...

Your words hit me like a thousand bricks crushing my body

The weight of the bricks force me down

closer and closer to the ground

Till i finally fall to my knees and i swear i give up

I fix the mistakes you say i make

and it's still not good enough 

to make the whispering and bad mouthing stop

Your stares that were once so warm and inviting 

are now so jagged and sharp they could cut right through me

stares like I'm not good enough or that i have no dignity

so you treat me like the dirt you walk on and have no remorse

so what if I'm the mother of your child, I'm still not good enough 

to deserve your respect.

Your ignorant comments leave hideous marks on my heart

like a tattoo done by an amateur 

time makes it fade but the damage is already done

I must capture the affirmative words my loved ones give me

to create a cover up for the horrid mistake i made in my adolescents 

The way you bring me down makes the person i am disappear

the people who once said hello as they walked on by, now don't know I'm even here

Everywhere i go i carry a shield to protect me from the next malicious thing

you decide to throw at me as if it were a bomb.

You know just what to say to bring me to tears

and you use that to your advantage

To win this war you seem to think we're in

But a battle can only be won if you have a fair opponent

and righteousness is not a personal trait you possess.

Who do you think you are, asking all around

who I'm with, what I'm doing, and where i can be found

what does it matter to you? 

Who do you think you are, running around cutting deep into wounds that just healed.

It took so long just to feel alright

to bring back the light in my life

I wished i had missed the first time we ever kissed

to save me from the tribulation i suffer from today.

your dark and bitter heart

left you with even a colder soul

not even the warmest day here in Arizona 

could make that ice go away

You won't be able to tear me down forever

Trust me there will come a day

when i wont even care to listen to the stupid shit to have to say

I know i have the strength to conquer all

It would just be easier to move up

without having to slip and fall

practice makes perfect and believe me i wont give up

no matter how many times i start on the ground and have to work my way back up.