For the past couple of weeks i have been receiving emails giving me positive quotes about life. Where they came from i have no idea, but these quotes have helped me keep my head above water through this rough patch.
Trust your hopes, not your fears
-David Mahoney
Easier said than done in my opinion. I mean I'm not saying its impossible, however i always find myself pouring all my energy into making sure my fears don't become reality. It's really hard for me to sit back and "Hope" that things work out the way they're supposed to.
I have always been the type of person who has
an answer for everything. I always had a pretty
good idea of how things would turn out, and for
once ... I'm completely stumped.
I always told myself that i would never be a
single mom, and that i would never make my children have to
live life going back and forth between houses. It was never
something i personally had to deal with, but i knew
it wasn't something i wanted to my children.
So because of this... I stayed. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship, that broke me down more and more everyday. I stayed because i wanted the best for my son. I wanted to give him the life that in today's world is looked at as almost a luxury. Two parents together, under one roof who love each other unconditionally and plan to spend the rest of their lives together. However our relationship was the complete opposite. Cold and bitter. Almost depressing. But i had "Hope". Hope that things would get better and i could give my son the life i wanted for him.
After awhile i decided my fear HAD to become
reality. Staying in that relationship and putting
my son through all of that arguing and fighting
was doing more harm than good. Ya, we all lived
under one roof and we all saw each other everyday...
but he was miserable, I was miserable. my fathers son
sat me down told me i wasn't what he wanted and instead
of fighting for what little bit I knew we had left
(or "HOPED" we had left) I let it go. I said ok.
Now... i had to get a new game plan.
Being as stubborn and hard headed as i am... giving up was extremely hard to do. I felt like a failure. I was scared my son was going to grow up and hold this over my head because his father and i couldn't make it work as a couple. I want to be a hero and a role model for my son. i want him to look up to me and aspire to have some of the same genuine qualities i have. I've lost a lot of sleep over this decision "Hoping" that this was and is the right choice for my son, and "Fear" that he will never understand why his father and i decided to split.
So, now all I'm left with is hope. "Hope" that god will bring me that one person who I'm meant to have a family with and grow old with. "Hope" that some good can come from all this heartache. "Hope" that i can still give my son the life i want him to have, just gotta make a few minor adjustments along the way. Then i have my fears. "Fear" that even if i do find someone... it will turn out like it did before."Fear" that no good will come from this decision and all ill be left with is regret."Fear" that my son will never be able to have the life i dreamed of him having, just one we had to substitute for because of decision his father and i made.
and in the end my fears... have become reality.
