Some days i hate everything..

 He wears camouflage to deceive the enemy, while i hide the truth behind it. He perceives me as the woman he wants, instead of the girl who needs him. The one who is strong enough to hold onto something i can't see,rather than the weak girl who yearns for his touch. The invincible woman who has everything under control, instead of the conquerable girl who has no clue how to get by.

The darkness of night knows the truth as a teardrop falls from my cheek onto my pillowcase, and my heart begins to ache. Angry he left in the first place, but understanding because the decision was made before me. Tossing and turning in a bed that's left cold and untouched on the right side, I'm left praying for daylight.

The break of dawn approaches, i laugh a lot and smile with all those tears in my eyes and tell him I'm ready for everything to be wonderful again. Trying to fight a breakdown i remain busy, yet constant reminders leave my eyes glossy and close to tears. The moonlight will reflect in the night sky soon enough and my pillowcase will be the witness to my heartache for yet another night..

Counting down the minutes till I'm back in his arms again, but no amount of time is soon enough..

My light is Dim

The light at the end of the tunnel seems to distant to even try to reach.

I ignore the cries within myself, but lend a hand to those in need

I suffocate when i try to breathe

this emptiness consumes me

My beauty decays and my laughter subsides 

while the devastation in my heart resides

Emotion that must rise from within and finally be released

has me trembling at the mere thought of being weak

Why do i allow myself to pity and wallow in my sorrow? 

Why do i feel so hurt knowing it can only get better? 

Days, weeks, and months have past 

i feel my breaking point approaching for the first time

Finally going to stop this continuous ache

Finally come to terms with this heartbreak.

Free falls the hope i had for any reconciliation between you and i. 

That dream is gone, crushed and shattered,

no longer a thought in my mind. 

Bring on the tears,bring on this pain

I'm ready to face this dismay

My Kleenex gathers the tears,my last reminder of you

slow and steady, fast and heavy

whatever will get me through

Wandering lost in this tunnel, following the light. 

I must continue to have faith 

that everything will turn out alright.

The birth of a Mother

Pure. Immaculate. Impeccable. 

 A miracle has just taken place.

Beauty in its rarest form.

Your eyes meet and all is forgotten. The touch of their soft, delicate hand sends a tear down your cheek.

Skin that resembles porcelain. The reassurance they give you as your finger fits securely in their hand. Your my mother and I'll love you forever. A creation of you has never looked so beautiful. Welcome to this world my darling child. Never in this life have i felt more alive. The capacity of my heart has now increased immensely. Love has a brand new definition, a definition i discovered in a matter of seconds. You squint your eyes to view your surroundings although your vision is still becoming clear. My voice lets you know your safe in my arms, a touch both of us have been waiting to feel for several months. My heartbeat is familiar to you, a comforting melody that helps you sleep. The pain was worth every amount of joy I'm feeling on this day. Your tiny feet fit in my palms, and from head to toe your the length of my forearm. Never again will you be this little. Our bond was obvious in the first few hours of your birth. Your cry broke my heart in ways I've never experienced before. So helpless. Dependent on me, a responsibility that has never been so rewarding. A blessing, this day, this newborn baby, this newborn mother.

True Colors

 The person you once showed your sincerity to,now a stranger to your sympathy. Eventually one learns to adapt. Your world once so warm and inviting, now so empty and jagged.  How must one cope with the changes of a soul they thought they knew? a heart they once held so dearly, but over time let go of so easily? Every smile, every stare, every single component that makes a person an individual, evaporates. In its place a stranger. A being with new components one hasn't been exposed to. A soul that has been altered for whatever reason now has new meaning to the world, to the people in it, and to life in general. 

Deceit.

Spite.

Malison.

The makings of the soul one is often asked to accept. Originating from a ghastly break-up. Arrogance leaves you blind, and boastfulness leaves you unwilling to open your eyes.  Fiction is how you are living, pretending everything is up to par. Reality has you turning your head and avoiding any amount of truth.The truth that now were two people we never really knew, two people who jumped into life before we really lived. Two people who wanted something different but were to afraid of change.

Truce is agreed upon and progress begins, to better one another with the beauty of friendship.

Ticking Time Bomb

I ache for a want that i feel i need. A want that leaves me empty.  A want that wants nothing in return. A want with a story that can't be told.  A want with an obstacle its not ready to overcome.
So, here i am still needing this want and wanting this need. The need that promised me nothing in the beginning but now i want to promise me everything. This need i am territorial over, this need i won't let go of.  A need that gives me a whole slew of emotions i am not even able to sort out. Content and blissful. Bitter and confused. Emotions so real, emotions so fake. Highs and lows day to day, this whirlwind has to come to an end.
An ultimatum that will make a definite decision. A decision i know i wont be okay with. The want came into it wanting nothing and will leave needing nothing. The want stayed emotionless, not thinking too much into the situation. A smart move i probably should have played. Sitting on this cloud of hope, hoping for the best. Waiting for those hopes to turn into fears. Fears that will make me feel more alone than i do at this exact moment. Inevitably i will sit here and watch it all unwind.Waiting till its to late to escape and I'm left with a gaping hole in my heart. Still wanting the need. The need that needs no one and wants nothing.The time bomb is ticking louder and louder..

Tick.. Tick.. Tick..

The whirlwind

In a crowded room, i feel alone

Everyone is starring like they know my story

Like its been told time and time again

A story of not what is but what could have been

The person i am is a lot more than i like to talk about

I keep things short and simple to avoid being vulnerable

By not letting people in i eliminate all doubt

and any chance of getting hurt is erased

I give and give and give and receive nothing in return

but yet i keep investing myself on a worthless, hopeless possibility of a relationship

that was never there to begin with

Outside i smile,laugh,and make it all seem perfect

Inside i scream,cry,and try to keep it together

This happy go lucky image I'm trying to perceive

Is just a portrait of what i want to be

My worries are big and my dreams are small

A  fear of failing haunts me like ghost

While pride holds me captive like a hostage

with no chance of escape

All my hopes have turned into fears

and my fears now scare me more than ever

when will the handcuffs come off?

when can i break free?

I long to love this life i live

instead of just making the most of it

This path I'm headed down

takes me down many detours

and these detours are destined 

to leave me more confused and uncertain

than i was to begin with

When do i find the answers?

When does it all make sense?

When can i be the girl i once was

the girl i really miss? 

Its all about the right person

when i find the right person, everything else will fall into place

When i decide to put myself out there

a whole new world will be opened to me

until then... I'm limited.

Its hard to embrace in the "what ifs"

without knowing the answers

The Rare Gem...

Revealed. Exposed. Displayed... for all to see.

Me.

I haven't given much thought to the person i am, just have always excepted it and made the most of out it.

Beneath the make-up, and "BIG" hair... its just plain and simple me.

I love myself more when the make-up is on and my hair is done. My confidence level could be a tad bit higher. I adore love, being in love, having someone to love me back. Although looking in the rear view mirror i think its more the idea of love that i idolize. Men who leave the toilet seat up are automatically eliminated off my "Date-able" list. People who smack drive me absolutely nuts. Why is it you feel the need to chew your food like a horse? its not attractive and i would prefer to not see your chewed up food as you swallow it, thanks.

My passion is baking. Creating something beautiful that can be desired in more ways than one. Its art in a form that can also win a mans heart. Win Win. ;) My heart has been dragged around more times than i thought i could handle, Just proves how strong i am. My vulnerability to people i once cared for always comes back to bite me in the ass. I have no back bone and I'm scared to tell people how i really feel. This blog is my only portal where i feel comfortable releasing my emotions. The tribulations i have overcome in the past leave me happy knowing i got through them, however my heart aches day to day. The source is unknown. I am fond of pillow talking. The subjects discussed are always random but i feel i learn a lot about the other person. 20 questions is always played, but by question 10 I'm ready for it to be over.

I'm terrified of being alone. Not having his or her towels, always having the other side of the bed left untouched. I'm not desperate, although it may seem that way. Love is a beautiful thing that is cherished by few and desired by many. I'm left in the desired category. I would rather be alone than not have true love.  I hate feeling like i have no where to turn. I'm my own worst enemy. Intimacy wins my heart, not fucking like animals . I enjoy being wanted, being craved. All of the hit it and quit it mumbo jumbo isn't really my style. Believe me there isn't a halo above my head or wings on my back because an angel is far from what i am. I've made mistakes and there are MANY things i could have done differently. but i wouldn't. Why? those mistakes have only made be realize what it is i really do want. I'm looking for something I'm afraid to find. The first time I'm scared to fall, will be when i know it is right where I'm supposed to be. I have lowered my expectations of any person I've grown close to because I'm waiting to be screwed over. Inevitably it happens, but I'm not sad or disappointed. i knew it would only be a matter of time till true colors appeared and the image they were trying to perceive would only be a memory. 

Sad but True

  Me = Morose.

Cruel Intentions...

Your words hit me like a thousand bricks crushing my body

The weight of the bricks force me down

closer and closer to the ground

Till i finally fall to my knees and i swear i give up

I fix the mistakes you say i make

and it's still not good enough 

to make the whispering and bad mouthing stop

Your stares that were once so warm and inviting 

are now so jagged and sharp they could cut right through me

stares like I'm not good enough or that i have no dignity

so you treat me like the dirt you walk on and have no remorse

so what if I'm the mother of your child, I'm still not good enough 

to deserve your respect.

Your ignorant comments leave hideous marks on my heart

like a tattoo done by an amateur 

time makes it fade but the damage is already done

I must capture the affirmative words my loved ones give me

to create a cover up for the horrid mistake i made in my adolescents 

The way you bring me down makes the person i am disappear

the people who once said hello as they walked on by, now don't know I'm even here

Everywhere i go i carry a shield to protect me from the next malicious thing

you decide to throw at me as if it were a bomb.

You know just what to say to bring me to tears

and you use that to your advantage

To win this war you seem to think we're in

But a battle can only be won if you have a fair opponent

and righteousness is not a personal trait you possess.

Who do you think you are, asking all around

who I'm with, what I'm doing, and where i can be found

what does it matter to you? 

Who do you think you are, running around cutting deep into wounds that just healed.

It took so long just to feel alright

to bring back the light in my life

I wished i had missed the first time we ever kissed

to save me from the tribulation i suffer from today.

your dark and bitter heart

left you with even a colder soul

not even the warmest day here in Arizona 

could make that ice go away

You won't be able to tear me down forever

Trust me there will come a day

when i wont even care to listen to the stupid shit to have to say

I know i have the strength to conquer all

It would just be easier to move up

without having to slip and fall

practice makes perfect and believe me i wont give up

no matter how many times i start on the ground and have to work my way back up.

Confessions of my babbling heart....

My life is full of clouds no sunshine for many days now

rain is falling, pouring down without a break

my sky is gray and will continue to be this way

yesterday, tomorrow and today.

I dream of another you, one who wouldn't go and do what you did

but you did what you wanted because I'm not what you wanted

You stole my happiness and left me empty, left me shedding my tears

boy you left me cold and alone. 

These eyes looking at you lost their glow, lost their sparkle

they are now left dark and dull.They stare wanting some answers

Did you ever love me? Or was it comfort carrying you along?

whatever it was... its long gone.

I don't want it back by any means just wish i wasn't so blind 

so i could have seen are relationship start to slip

I could have prepared myself for this next chapter

everything would have been figured out and wouldn't be a complete disaster.

I just want to be me

I just want to be free

but your bars of heartache keep me trapped with no chance of escape

Lover to lover, now friend to friend

I am broken, I am crying a part of me is slowly dying

My heart that was once so genuine and true ,that played its own melody and who's rhythm i knew

now thumps only to keep my blood running through my veins, melody lost and its rhythm is devastating

The past is the past and that's where its supposed to stay

but you are haunting me everyday and in every possible way

hell, torture, and misery is what you put me through

my guard is up i wont let him in.. all because of you

I waited and waited for the one

who can make me feel better

make me laugh, smile, and have fun

and give me my happily ever after

He gave me flowers and there i left them

all alone with no love and no affection

I try to feel something

but my heart is pulled in a different direction

The direction is leading me down a dark road one i haven't seen or gone down before

 its kind of scary and kind of eerie but i wont be scared of what i can't see 

 My life is dark and dim, color is what it lacks

until i find whatever it is my road will stay black.

My heart is left empty but perhaps this is how i want it to be

hollow and cold deep inside

maybe all i want to do is run and hide

I wont be this bitter forever

I want to feel that adoration and warmth in my heart

I just cant bring myself accept that he loves me

and i cant let myself love him in return.

Why now? Why this guy?

I prayed and prayed to have someone to hold I know he is a good person and has all the things i want 

his heart is pure and has a color of gold but all i want is to be left alone

I refuse to stand and let another you hurt me

for what i thought love was, or what it was supposed to be

I built this wall to protect my vulnerability I have my heart and i finally hold its key

I cant let down my only form of protection hoping for good, when i don't know his intentions

words are words.. to me they have no meaning actions give me that reassurance I'm needing

Maybe my heart needs time and perhaps its still to soon

to pull out the first aide kit and bandage up this wound

I know life is never easy and even if it was

we would have all the answers, but it still wouldn't be enough

I can't except something for what it might be because the future is something i cant see

so until I'm ready to take that risk my heart will stayed locked up.

Maybe ill find a way

to peek around the wall without tearing it down.. but it wont be today.

I don't know how long my wall will be up

but as of right now any amount of time wont be long enough

I lost a part of me i really want to find

but that kind of stuff just takes time

Fear is all i have and as much as i dreaded it

its keeping me in my shell

so if one cant accept it

then....oh well.

The last tear I'll cry....

 Girls....... You'll love this!!  ;)

You tell me we've been through a lot

and ask me if there's anything i miss

but honestly there's not a damn thing on the list

You ask me if we can have something, anything at all

but I'm not gunna slip, and I'm not gunna fall

fall back into the trap you've laid before

I definitely don't want that life anymore

Because if i do give into to your little sneaky games

things will turn out just the same

and there I'll be left alone feeling ashamed

ashamed that i let you take me there

that famous dream land where you actually care

that dream land where you tell me "Baby I've really changed"

that you'll love me forever, and you promise no more games

but this dream land itself is indeed a game

that you continue playing so you don't feel any shame

shame for all the times you've fooled around

and ran our relationship into the ground

You tell me you love me and want things to work out

even if i give in, i will always have doubt

of course i wish you the best in all you do

but i don't want us back and i sure as hell don't want you

You ask me why I'm crying if i really don't care

you brag saying i know you still love me, and its a love we share

But boy don't flatter yourself, i don't want you anymore

stop asking and leave me alone..

don't send another damn text to my phone

The truth is it's all just a little bittersweet

that i have finally moved on and can finally sleep

sleep at night without wondering where you are

and the clock says 3am when i hear your car

OH! here it comes your cocky attitude...

like your a bad ass and a pretty awesome dude

but the truth is you gave up on your family,

and for that your a coward..

a man with no dignity, a man with no power

you made your cake and ate it too, but now it's not enough

too bad, so sad... isn't life tough?

you made your bed now you must sleep in it ... my oh my

this tear rolling down my cheek is the last tear I'll cry

The last tear I'll cry isn't a tear of sorrow

it gives me pleasure today and it will give me pleasure tomorrow

a tear saying I did it and it's never felt this good

a tear saying I'm over you.. who knew i would?

Finally saying no to your stupid give me one more chance game

now get out of my fucking face and go back to what's her name!!