Okay, so I don't know how many people have asked me "how are things with Matt?" " is it difficult knowing he is never going to be out of your life completely?" " Do you regret your whole relationship with him?" " Are you completely heart broken?" " Are you gunna take him back if he decides he really wants to be with you?" ...... When people ask me those things i honestly don't know how to answer without crying, not because i miss him or what we had... just because its a very difficult situation and I'm still adjusting. So, i keep it simple and short to avoid letting too much emotion show. That's why I'm choosing to write this blog... so all of you know the honest truth, but at the same time don't have to see me cry ( I hate crying in front of people.... it makes me feel weak... and for those of you who know me well... you know i always have to be strong.... NO MATTER WHAT!!)
"HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU AND MATT?"
The easiest way to explain it is .....awkward! We have days where we can be civil with each other which definitely makes it a lot easier when it comes time to switch the baby ( that sounds so ridiculous.. switch the baby) Then we have days where we cant stand the sight of each other. Days where he trys to piss me off . ( In my opinion, he does this to make me upset because it shows him i still care or that he still has me right where he wants me.) The saddest part is i am at the point where when we switch off the baby, i have my mom go outside or go pick him up. Its easier for me that way. I don't have to see him which then avoids any problems that might occur. We have no contact what so ever unless it has to do with the baby. I tried to be the bigger person and keep him as a friend on my facebook, but then i would get messages from him saying really mean and hurtful things about my status or any other thing he could think of to hurt me... so i completely blocked him.. and that's the way i want it!
"IS IT DIFFICULT KNOWING HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY?"
Yes!! It's hard knowing that for so long i pictured a life with him and now that things didn't work out he is still going to be there. However, even though now we are separated i feel as though i have my own life, one that he wont be a part of and its kind of refreshing. Of course, there will still be days where i get a phone call from him asking about the baby and the days where we switch off, but for the most part he is gone. I know one day I will have a life with someone else and when that happens.. Matt will be gone completely. Yes we have a son together, and yes I still have to see Matt.... but the only life we will share is the life with our son. I'm not going to make things difficult for my son.. i will be civil with Matt, but I'm not going to make amends. I don't think that what he did or how he treated me was right. ( I mean don't get me wrong i know i messed up too.. I'm definitely not a saint) As of now my life is my life.... Matt has no part in it. He gave me a beautiful son that i get to share my new life with... nothing less, nothing more!
"DO YOU REGRET YOUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM?"
No. The reason i say this is because to me regrets are mistakes you didn't learn from.. and believe me i learned alot!! Do i think the whole relationship was a mistake.... No. However, i do think that i let my emotions get the best of me by taking him back over and over and over.... that's what i think was a mistake. I knew that i was truly in love with him and i knew that it was risky going back, but i always hoped he learned his lesson and things would work out. I mean after all everyone always says no relationship is perfect, there will always be rough patches right??? Wrong!! things didn't change.. those rough patches never went away. Looking back at the whole relationship i did my best trying to make it work.... I gave him my whole heart and all my love and at the end of the day that wasn't enough. What more could i give?? I was drained and completely exhausted from giving everything i had in me to a man who didn't seem to give two shits!!! In my opinion those are the only 2 things i would truly want from my partner... their heart and their love. But we all have different wants and needs.
"ARE YOU COMPLETELY HEART BROKEN?"
I was. Am i still trying to get over it all?? of course.... who gets over a 5 year relationship in weeks... no one! He was my life, my first love, my first everything!!! It takes time and everyday i wake up it gets easier and easier for me. I surround myself with people who truly care about me and love me for me... my friends and family. They have completely changed how i think of myself. I know I'm a great person, i know i deserved better that, and now I'm not gunna settle for anything less. It may take awhile but i know there good men out there ..... so girls if you know of any.. send them my way ;)
"ARE YOU EVER GUNNA TAKE HIM BACK IF HE DECIDES HE REALLY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU?"
HELL NO!!! that may be harsh, but oh well. I want a family and i want that life back... but not with him. I want to be in love again.. but not with him. I want to have someone to come home to and tell them about my day.. but i don't want that guy to be him. i don't know who he is yet.... but he is out there, and i know ill find him someday.
This blog was EXTREMELY difficult for me write.... but that's what this thing is for right?? to have a place to let those emotions out, to have a release whether its good or bad. I've held my deepest thoughts in for a while now and even though this isn't all of them .. its a start.
