Confessions of my babbling heart....

My life is full of clouds no sunshine for many days now

rain is falling, pouring down without a break

my sky is gray and will continue to be this way

yesterday, tomorrow and today.

I dream of another you, one who wouldn't go and do what you did

but you did what you wanted because I'm not what you wanted

You stole my happiness and left me empty, left me shedding my tears

boy you left me cold and alone. 

These eyes looking at you lost their glow, lost their sparkle

they are now left dark and dull.They stare wanting some answers

Did you ever love me? Or was it comfort carrying you along?

whatever it was... its long gone.

I don't want it back by any means just wish i wasn't so blind 

so i could have seen are relationship start to slip

I could have prepared myself for this next chapter

everything would have been figured out and wouldn't be a complete disaster.

I just want to be me

I just want to be free

but your bars of heartache keep me trapped with no chance of escape

Lover to lover, now friend to friend

I am broken, I am crying a part of me is slowly dying

My heart that was once so genuine and true ,that played its own melody and who's rhythm i knew

now thumps only to keep my blood running through my veins, melody lost and its rhythm is devastating

The past is the past and that's where its supposed to stay

but you are haunting me everyday and in every possible way

hell, torture, and misery is what you put me through

my guard is up i wont let him in.. all because of you

I waited and waited for the one

who can make me feel better

make me laugh, smile, and have fun

and give me my happily ever after

He gave me flowers and there i left them

all alone with no love and no affection

I try to feel something

but my heart is pulled in a different direction

The direction is leading me down a dark road one i haven't seen or gone down before

 its kind of scary and kind of eerie but i wont be scared of what i can't see 

 My life is dark and dim, color is what it lacks

until i find whatever it is my road will stay black.

My heart is left empty but perhaps this is how i want it to be

hollow and cold deep inside

maybe all i want to do is run and hide

I wont be this bitter forever

I want to feel that adoration and warmth in my heart

I just cant bring myself accept that he loves me

and i cant let myself love him in return.

Why now? Why this guy?

I prayed and prayed to have someone to hold I know he is a good person and has all the things i want 

his heart is pure and has a color of gold but all i want is to be left alone

I refuse to stand and let another you hurt me

for what i thought love was, or what it was supposed to be

I built this wall to protect my vulnerability I have my heart and i finally hold its key

I cant let down my only form of protection hoping for good, when i don't know his intentions

words are words.. to me they have no meaning actions give me that reassurance I'm needing

Maybe my heart needs time and perhaps its still to soon

to pull out the first aide kit and bandage up this wound

I know life is never easy and even if it was

we would have all the answers, but it still wouldn't be enough

I can't except something for what it might be because the future is something i cant see

so until I'm ready to take that risk my heart will stayed locked up.

Maybe ill find a way

to peek around the wall without tearing it down.. but it wont be today.

I don't know how long my wall will be up

but as of right now any amount of time wont be long enough

I lost a part of me i really want to find

but that kind of stuff just takes time

Fear is all i have and as much as i dreaded it

its keeping me in my shell

so if one cant accept it

then....oh well.

The last tear I'll cry....

 Girls....... You'll love this!!  ;)

You tell me we've been through a lot

and ask me if there's anything i miss

but honestly there's not a damn thing on the list

You ask me if we can have something, anything at all

but I'm not gunna slip, and I'm not gunna fall

fall back into the trap you've laid before

I definitely don't want that life anymore

Because if i do give into to your little sneaky games

things will turn out just the same

and there I'll be left alone feeling ashamed

ashamed that i let you take me there

that famous dream land where you actually care

that dream land where you tell me "Baby I've really changed"

that you'll love me forever, and you promise no more games

but this dream land itself is indeed a game

that you continue playing so you don't feel any shame

shame for all the times you've fooled around

and ran our relationship into the ground

You tell me you love me and want things to work out

even if i give in, i will always have doubt

of course i wish you the best in all you do

but i don't want us back and i sure as hell don't want you

You ask me why I'm crying if i really don't care

you brag saying i know you still love me, and its a love we share

But boy don't flatter yourself, i don't want you anymore

stop asking and leave me alone..

don't send another damn text to my phone

The truth is it's all just a little bittersweet

that i have finally moved on and can finally sleep

sleep at night without wondering where you are

and the clock says 3am when i hear your car

OH! here it comes your cocky attitude...

like your a bad ass and a pretty awesome dude

but the truth is you gave up on your family,

and for that your a coward..

a man with no dignity, a man with no power

you made your cake and ate it too, but now it's not enough

too bad, so sad... isn't life tough?

you made your bed now you must sleep in it ... my oh my

this tear rolling down my cheek is the last tear I'll cry

The last tear I'll cry isn't a tear of sorrow

it gives me pleasure today and it will give me pleasure tomorrow

a tear saying I did it and it's never felt this good

a tear saying I'm over you.. who knew i would?

Finally saying no to your stupid give me one more chance game

now get out of my fucking face and go back to what's her name!!

Part time Mother

4 days on and 3 days off isn't how i pictured this life. 

I'm his mother and i want to watch him grow

I don't like sending him away, but i know i can't say no

He needs his father just as much

But it amazes me that its still this tough

It's Sunday again .. time to get my boy

I'm always excited and my heart is filled with joy

I meet him outside, it's time to exchange

It's always tough, but this is what we arranged

His dad lifts him up to give him a hug and a kiss

tears fill his eyes, cuz it's his father he'll miss

I know he loves me, and misses me just as much

but when he is this upset, he doesn't want his mothers touch

He hates our arrangement, that much is clear

but other options do i have here?

Our separation is causing our child to suffer

my fear is as he gets older, it will only get tougher

I hate seeing my child this sad, but am i being selfish

for not making it work with his dad?

I'm the happiest now than I've ever been

I embrace my life and I'm comfortable in my skin

Now its Thursday, time to say goodbye

he grabs onto my shirt and tears fill his eyes

He starts to cry because he doesn't want to go

but he loves his dad this i know

he will have fun and its only a short time

till he leaves his dads arms again for mine.

I'm a part time mother and my heart is left hollow

because its hello today and goodbye tomorrow

some say its good to have a break

but even if i go out and enjoy myself

my heart is still going to ache

he is supposed to be in my life 24/7

after all he was my bundle of joy 

sent here from heaven

so i now i give up time that i can never get back

because trust and honesty is what our relationship lacked.

I'm a part time mother who is still trying to adjust

I cry to myself because strength is a must

my son crys cuz he misses what he had

which was ONE house with his mom and his dad

That's one dream i can't make come true

so we make the most of what we have 

and that's all we can do

We have our 4 days and that's not a lot

but its still one more day than his father got

I'm a part time mother who loves her job

3 days off and 4 days on

other moms have the life I'd love to mime

the life of caring for their child fill time

4 days on and 3 days off is the life i have been given

definitely not the life i had planned

but its the life that I'm livin'

I'm a part time mother and there is no pay

but believe me if there was

I'd give it all up for one more day

I'm the best person possible when I'm with you

and the worst I'm not

but 4 days on and 3 days off  is all we got

so son we'll make the most of it

cuz that's the hand we have been dealt

and when i see you on Sunday

i know you'll kiss me and my heart will melt

I'm a part time mother with an amazing son

who feels ashamed for what she has done

i allowed myself to be selfish to get back my smile

but its my sons i haven't seen in quite awhile

he loves his mom and he loves his dad

but he will never get back the life he had

I'm a part time mother who loves her son

and in my eyes he will always be my number 1

no words could explain how much i care

even on my days off if he needs me, ill be there

My son has a part time mom and a part time dad

even if were not together, i want him to know

your father and i still share one thing...

i love for you that will always grow

You have your fathers heart and you have mine

and our love for you is ALWAYS full time.

He loves me, He loves me not...

He loves me, he loves me not.. is the thought that crosses my mind, even though i know my love for him is truly one of a kind. He is the one i want in my life from now until the end.

When were together I'm your everything and the moment is pure bliss, but the times I'm alone there is something i always miss.
I feel this ache deep inside my heart, like I'm losing you and it tears me apart. 
I know i can go on without you by my side, Ive done it before and everything was fine. But fine isn't how i want my life to be...
I want this marvelous life full of love, joy and happiness, with you standing next to me.

The way you touch my body when we make love, so intense and so intoxicating, something i cant let go of.The way you kiss my bare body, so passionate, so soft and so pure.The silence that fills the room when we focus on nothing more than one another.The way you hold me ever so tightly with your gentle delicate hands.The way you run your fingers through my hair, just to remind me your still there.

These are the moments i cherish most. The moments that play over and over again in my mind. They leave me praying, wishing and hoping that i could have these moments all the time.

My heart is yearning for you; Your presence, your scent, and your touch. My mind tells me to let you go, but i know this isn't lust.
My heart always find the path that leads me back to you, I know it'll be hard, i know it'll be tough, but whats a girl to do.

If i could save the tears I've cried for you, words could not explain...
the number of endless days there would be filled with rain.
If i could save every kiss we've ever shared, there would be enough to get me through my days...but even then, nothing could get rid of this pain.

You tell me in your Ecstasy and i make you wanna ride that ride...
But we still find ourselves alone in our bed late late at night.
Baby let me be your high day after day, that high you know you want ,that high you know you crave.

During our pillow talks we have till the late hours of the night..
We've both admitted we're lonely and want that missing piece,who would have thought that mine would be there laying right next to me.

I tell you i love you and the awkward silence rolls in.. as much as it hurts i continue to say it hoping for a response in the end.

You tell me you have A love for me, but fear wont let it grow, but if you never take that risk.. how will you ever know? I know your heart is still trying to heal from the pain she put you through in the past...
But baby all i have for you is love.. a love that can and will most defiantly last.

They say time heals everything, but how much time does it take? I'm always gunna be here baby, but I'm trying to save myself from anymore heartache.
Even in my most guarded state, i refuse to let you go, so i will have to wait it out and except it for what it is...Hoping for my dream come true in the end.

So now were stuck somewhere in between ever lasting happiness, and absolute pure misery. We enjoy our times together making the most of what we have... Somewhere between the love of my life and just a friend who makes me laugh.

I love you, I love you, I love you and that's all that i can say.

But baby when you have the will, you will always find a way.....

I am so thankful .......

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

HOLY MOLY!! It's been awhile... but I'm back. I have so much to be thankful for this year. My friends and family have been there for me 100% and i don't know where I'd be without them.

I am thankful for my parents. I love you both with all of my heart, and I'm glad you guys always stand by my side even if you don't agree with all of decisions.

I am thankful for my sister Kelli...... even though we have a love-hate relationship I'm glad i have you in my life.

I am thankful for my best friend Yliana Jimenez and her family. Yani i honestly don't know what i would do without you. You have done so much for me these past few months and i couldn't be more grateful. You and family are absolutely amazing. Estevan is such a wonderful man and you guys have the most precious baby girl. Your sister, your mom, everyone in your family is truly amazing, and I'm lucky to have all of you in my life <3

I am thankful for my girls Bethany Wellington, Cortney Allen, and ,Jaimie Thorp.... you girls truly know how to get down. lol i love that we can all get together and let everything go and have a good time.

Bethany, to see you this happy again is awesome. I don't know what it is about David but he brings out the best in you and I'm thankful you and Payton have such an awesome guy in your lives. 

Cortney, don't ever lose that spark. Your my firecracker!! lol
You are a great friend.  I love your blunt honesty ( well not always) lol
I love your corky personality, your truly one of a kind.

 

Jaimie Thorp.....I am thankful you invented " 4whores" hahaha. Your such an awesome girl. i love our wacky, spontaneous nights together... we find the oddest things to do but damn do we have fun!

Miss Lisa .... I am sooo thankful for you this year. Believe it or not you helped me find myself again. With your writing and your uplifting words of wisdom, i was able to see who i truely am and get that motivation back that i had been yearning for. I have my life back and you had a part in that so thank you.

My son Matthew ..... Oh how i love you so. I am so thankful god blessed me with such an amazing son. you bring out the best in me and for that i will forever be grateful. You brighten my day every morning when we sing our good morning song ( i just hope we still sing it when your older lol ) you drive me up the walls day after day and sometimes make me want to rip out my hair.... but i would rather have those crazy moments with you than any moments without you. Love you from here to the moon -Mommy

 

Mistakes and Regrets

So out of all my blogs I've written so far, this one is probably going to be the most difficult for me to write. In a way I'm kind of laying my heart on the table for all to see..... So if your going to judge me don't read this. This is for those who want to know me as a person or those who can relate to me in some way, shape or form.

Okay, so I don't know how many people have asked me "how are things with Matt?" " is it difficult knowing he is never going to be out of your life completely?" " Do you regret your whole relationship with him?" " Are you completely heart broken?" " Are you gunna take him back if he decides he really wants to be with you?" ...... When people ask me those things i honestly don't know how to answer without crying, not because i miss him or what we had... just because its a very difficult situation and I'm still adjusting. So, i keep it simple and short to avoid letting too much emotion show. That's why I'm choosing to write this blog... so all of you know the honest truth, but at the same time don't have to see me cry ( I hate crying in front of people.... it makes me feel weak... and for those of you who know me well... you know i always have to be strong.... NO MATTER WHAT!!)

"HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU AND MATT?"

The easiest way to explain it is .....awkward! We have days where we can be civil with each other which definitely makes it a lot easier when it comes time to switch the baby ( that sounds so ridiculous.. switch the baby) Then we have days where we cant stand the sight of each other. Days where he trys to piss me off . ( In my opinion, he does this to make me upset because it shows him i still care or that he still has me right where he wants me.) The saddest part is i am at the point where when we switch off the baby, i have my mom go outside or go pick him up. Its easier for me that way. I don't have to see him which then avoids any problems that might occur. We have no contact what so ever unless it has to do with the baby. I tried to be the bigger person and keep him as a friend on my facebook, but then i would get messages from him saying really mean and hurtful things about my status or any other thing he could think of to hurt me... so i completely blocked him.. and that's the way i want it!

"IS IT DIFFICULT KNOWING HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE COMPLETELY?"

Yes!! It's hard knowing that for so long i pictured a life with him and now that things didn't work out he is still going to be there. However, even though now we are separated i feel as though i have my own life, one that he wont be a part of and its kind of refreshing. Of course, there will still be days where i get a phone call from him asking about the baby and the days where we switch off, but for the most part he is gone. I know one day I will have a life with someone else and when that happens.. Matt will be gone completely. Yes we have a son together, and yes I still have to see Matt.... but the only life we will share is the life with our son. I'm not going to make things difficult for my son.. i will be civil with Matt, but I'm not going to make amends. I don't think that what he did or how he treated me was right. ( I mean don't get me wrong i know i messed up too.. I'm definitely not a saint) As of now my life is my life.... Matt has no part in it. He gave me a beautiful son that i get to share my new life with... nothing less, nothing more!

"DO YOU REGRET YOUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM?"

No. The reason i say this is because to me regrets are mistakes you didn't learn from.. and believe me i learned alot!! Do i think the whole relationship was a mistake.... No. However, i do think that i let my emotions get the best of me by taking him back over and over and over.... that's what i think was a mistake. I knew that i was truly in love with him and i knew that it was risky going back, but i always hoped he learned his lesson and things would work out. I mean after all everyone always says no relationship is perfect, there will always be rough patches right??? Wrong!! things didn't change.. those rough patches never went away.  Looking back at the whole relationship i did my best trying to make it work.... I gave him my whole heart and all my love and at the end of the day that wasn't enough. What more could i give??  I was drained and completely exhausted from giving everything i had in me to a man who didn't seem to give two shits!!! In my opinion those are the only 2 things i would truly want from my partner... their heart and their love. But we all have different wants and needs. 

"ARE YOU COMPLETELY HEART BROKEN?"

I was. Am i still trying to get over it all?? of course.... who gets over a 5 year relationship in weeks... no one!  He was my life, my first love, my first everything!!! It takes time and everyday i wake up it gets easier and easier for me. I surround myself with people who truly care about me and love me for me... my friends and family. They have completely changed how i think of myself. I know I'm a great person, i know i deserved better that, and now I'm not gunna settle for anything less. It may take awhile but i know there good men out there ..... so girls if you know of any.. send them my way ;)

"ARE YOU EVER GUNNA TAKE HIM BACK IF HE DECIDES HE REALLY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU?"

HELL NO!!! that may be harsh, but oh well.  I want a family and i want that life back... but not with him. I want to be in love again.. but not with him. I want to have someone to come home to and tell them about my day.. but i don't want that guy to be him. i don't know who he is yet.... but he is out there, and i know ill find him someday.

This blog was EXTREMELY difficult for me write.... but that's what this thing is for right?? to have a place to let those emotions out, to have a release whether its good or bad. I've held my deepest thoughts in for a while now and even though this isn't all of them .. its a start.

Potty Training!!

WOW!!!  this is the most ANNOYING thing ever!! 
I do not have the patience for this!! we sat on the potty for literally 30 minutes and i got nothing out of him other then a bunch of laughs and him explaining to me that the thing in between his legs is a "pee" haha.

how you mothers out there do it.... idk but i have found a new appreciation for you. lol i even sat on the toilet with him to show him that mommy goes potty too... still nothing!!

 <<< In this pic... he was looking up at me laughing cuz i kept saying "potty" " potty" haha and he thinks that's the funniest thing ever!

In order to get him to sit that long i had to bribe him with his bottle or as he likes to call it his " BA".  lol now how funny do i look. Trying to potty train a kid who is still attached to his bottle. 

My idea to potty train him was because i really thought he was ready. Anytime he goes pee or poop he will automatically run to me and tell me and then start trying to take off his diaper. So i was like hey!! he knows when he goes, now i just gotta get him to know BEFORE he goes so he can make it to the potty.

I think the only thing about this whole process that he likes is the fact he gets to wear "DIEGO" pull ups instead of diapers... he keeps looking at the pull-ups and pointing to Diego.. its adorable. Now if only i could get him that excited about his "potty".

 
They actually had the coolest potty at Target. It had a little flusher that made the noise and everything. But it was 39.99!! seriously!! haha i thought that was insane. But now...... I'm actually considering it. I gotta get this kid excited about it cuz right now he could care less.....

I have found motherhood to be exceptionally easy.. UNTIL NOW!! everyone told me your soo lucky you have a boy, they are a piece of cake to potty train. Okay... all you people that told me that.. gets your asses over here and give me some pointers. 

And along with the pointers on potty training, give me some on how to ditch the bottle too!! Otherwise I'm gunna have a handsome little boy walking into kindergarten wearing Diego pull-ups and having a bottle with tonka trucks on it hanging from his mouth!!

Positive Quotes about life # 3

"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same."
~Francesca Reigler

 

The past 2 months or so has been VERY difficult for me. I have days where i can be smiling one minute and balling my eyes out the next... its kind of exhausting. 

 

 

  Believe me the first couple days were pure torture.... i went through TONS of tissues. Thankfully they were the puffs plus lotion otherwise i would have looked like Rudolph in September. haha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I had an endless amount of Chocolate Ice Cream.. that i swear I'm still working off to this day!! But gosh.. when your down that's the one thing that can brighten your day... even if its only for a little while.

and I had all my favorite Chick flicks that i knew were only going to make me cry harder because they all got the guy in the end, but i still had them, and i watched them OVER AND OVER!!!   

Its funny how our minds work like that. We know we don't want to feel sad and we want to be cheerful and happy again as quickly as possible

 But then here we are moping around

and feeling sorry for ourselves cuz

at the time that's the only thing you

want or even care to do.

That's the first thing i thought of when i read this quote. "DAMN, i put soo much energy into being sad and depressed." All of that energy could have been applied somewhere else, and i could have been happy... A LOT sooner. 

We all have our own ways of dealing with the all the bullshit life decides to throw at us... maybe i did need those few days to lay around and soak up my sorrow.. maybe i didn't. 

All i know is now i am the happiest I've been in a long time. I may not have everything i want out of life, but at this exact moment.... i have everything i need. All those wants will come later, and even though I'm probably the most impatient person you will ever meet...Ill wait for them. I will never be able to appreciate the little things out of life if I'm too busy hunting down the big ones... 

So, that's my goal.. to put my energy into the positive aspects of my life, My son, My family, My friends. All the Negative aspects of my life: THEY DON'T MATTER!!! they will find a way to disappear on their own... it may take time, but I'm not gunna wait around. I'm gunna live my life and enjoy all the blessings god has giving me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paranormal Activity

 FAIR WARNING!! IF YOU  HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE AND YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS... DON'T READ THIS BLOG!!




WOW!!  This had to be the scariest movie ever!!!  
I don't think i put my feet on the ground once during the whole movie. I promised myself i wouldn't see it in theatres cuz i knew i would freak myself out... and of course that didn't happen. 




Beth wanted to so we did.... and what does this hoochie do.. falls asleep!!! no joke haha. I'm buried behind my hands peeking through my fingers and her niece Jordan whispers omg! Beth is sleeping!!  lol until the cabinets go flying open.... then Beth was wide awake haha.

I think the thing that freaked me out most about this movie was the fact that the demon was after the baby boy... i mean c'mon seriously!! its a freaking  baby.


I think the scariest part was when the mom was all possessed by that damn thing. oh!! and when the demon was making the baby lift out of the crib.... no joke i started crying i was soooo scared for that baby. Then to top it off the freaking aunt comes back and takes the baby..... now its missing and is probably all evil!!! haha surprisingly i slept okay last night... but it could have been that it was like 3am before we even got home and i was exhausted so... ill let you know i sleep tonight haha. 

Positive Quotes about life # 2

Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

WOW! I couldn't agree more.

this quote actually left me starring at the screen putting its meaning into perspective.

You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to fall in love. 

The quote says .. dare to reveal yourself fully. that's exactly what it is. Its a dare. You DON'T know how things will turn out, but when your ready to take the risk that's when you can truly love someone. 

I think girls.. maybe not so much anymore now that were getting older... but we try to fit this image of what the guy likes. Meaning he says "oh I'm a die hard hockey fan... what about you??" and you reply " omg!!! hockey is my favorite sport" even though you have no idea if they use a puck or a ball. and i know you girls now what I'm talking about cuz we all HAVE done it.... at least once.

Already.... your not revealing yourself fully. yeah yeah yeah so what we barely know each other right? lol well, i guess till it blows up in your face a few months down the road and you guys are at a hockey game and your bored out of your mind cuz you have no idea what the hell is going on... again been there done that.. learned my lesson!! hahaha ( except it was racing.. not hockey)

Love is going to come when the manipulation stops. When you stop pretending to be this person your not. Two people don't have to agree on EVERYTHING.... its more fun that way.. it keeps life interesting. 

True beauty lies within yourself... let that beauty shine through and don't wear the mask.... take that risk and dare to be vulnerable .... that's when love will come. 

Postive Quotes about Life #1

For the past couple of weeks i have been receiving emails giving me positive quotes about life. Where they came from i have no idea, but these quotes have helped me keep my head above water through this rough patch. 

Trust your hopes, not your fears

-David Mahoney

Easier said than done in my opinion. I mean I'm not saying its impossible, however i always find myself pouring all my energy into making sure my fears don't become reality. It's really hard for me to sit back and "Hope" that things work out the way they're supposed to. 

  I have always been the type of person who has

an answer for everything. I always had a pretty 

good idea of how things would turn out, and for

once ... I'm completely stumped. 

I always told myself that i would never be a 

single mom, and that i would never make my children have to

live life going back and forth between houses. It was never 

something i personally had to deal with, but i knew 

it wasn't something i wanted to my children.

So because of this... I stayed.  I stayed in an unhealthy relationship, that broke me down more and more everyday. I stayed because i wanted the best for my son. I wanted to give him the life that in today's world is looked at as almost a luxury. Two parents together, under one roof  who love each other unconditionally and plan to spend the rest of their lives together. However our relationship was the complete opposite. Cold and bitter. Almost depressing. But i had "Hope". Hope that things would get better and i could give my son the life i wanted for him. 

After awhile i decided my fear HAD to become 

reality. Staying in that relationship and putting 

my son through all of that arguing and fighting 

was doing more harm than good. Ya, we all lived

under one roof and we all saw each other everyday... 

but he was miserable, I was miserable. my fathers son 

sat me down told me i wasn't what he wanted and instead 

of fighting for what little bit I knew we had left 

(or "HOPED" we had left) I let it go. I said ok. 

Now... i had to get a new game plan.

Being as stubborn and hard headed as i am... giving up was extremely hard to do. I felt like a failure. I was scared my son was going to grow up and hold this over my head because his father and i couldn't make it work as a couple. I want to be a hero and a role model for my son. i want him to look up to me and aspire to have some of the same genuine qualities i have. I've lost a lot of sleep over this decision "Hoping" that this was and is the right choice for my son, and "Fear" that he will never understand why his father and i decided to split.

So, now all I'm left with is hope. "Hope" that god will bring me that one person who I'm meant to have a family with and grow old with. "Hope" that some good can come from all this heartache. "Hope" that i can still give my son the life i want him to have, just gotta make a few minor adjustments along the way. Then i have my fears. "Fear" that even if i do find someone... it will turn out like it did before."Fear" that no good will come from this decision and all ill be left with is regret."Fear" that my son will never be able to have the life i dreamed of him having, just one we had to substitute for because of decision his father and i made.

and in the end my fears... have become reality.